Keeping The Peace
by Vampire Hunter X
Summary: A motivational speaker tries to make enemies into friends.


Keeping The Peace   
  


Hank: Hello, my name is Hank. I'm a motivational speaker who tries to get people to work out their problems by talking things out, instead of resorting to violence. One of the biggest problems with this that I've noticed in the world is the ongoing feud between the Belmont family and the Dracula family.   
  


Slogra: Hey, we're not members of his family, we just work for him.   
  


Hank: Okay, the Belmont family and the Dracula Corporation. So I've invited them all to my office to help them to resolve this conflict quickly peacefully.   
  


Trevor: Hey, Hank, has anyone ever told you that you look like the hippie teacher from Beavis and Butthead?   
  


Hank: I've heard that before, but I wouldn't know. I don't watch that show. So how about we start by saying our name and occupation. I'll start. Hello, I'm Hank, and I'm a motivational speaker. Who's next?   
  


Minotaur: Hello, I'm Hank, and I'm a motivational speaker.   
  


Hank: No, no, I want you to say your name.   
  


Minotaur: Your name.   
  


Hank: Let's give someone else a chance, shall we?   
  


Simon: Hi, I'm Simon, and I'm the worlds greatest vampire hunter.   
  


Trevor: Hi, I'm Trevor, and I'm the worlds greatest, and best looking vampire hunter.   
  


Richter: Hi I'm Richter, and I'm the most talented, popular, wealthy, good looking, charismatic, and all around best vampire hunter.   
  


Trevor: The hell you are!   
  


Simon: Can I go again? I just thought of something better.   
  


Hank: Let's keep going, shall we?   
  


Maria: Hi, I'm Maria, and I sell Avon make up.   
  


Alucard: Hi, I'm Alucard, and I'm Maria's best customer.   
  


Hank: What do you mean Alucard?   
  


Alucard: You think my face is naturally like this? I'm only half vampire you know. I have to use makeup, or else I'll look just like everyone else. Then who'll fear me?   
  


Dhuron: Hi, I'm a Dhuron. That pretty much says it all.   
  


Death: Hi, my name is Death, and here's what I do. (Taps Dhuron on the shoulder.)   
  


Dhuron: Acccckkkkkkkkk. (Dies.)   
  


Death: Still got it.   
  


Slogra: Hi, I'm Slogra, and I work in a museum.   
  


Hank: As an exhibit?   
  


Slogra: What!?! No. I'm the janitor, dumb ass. Was that supposed to be some kind of insult or something? Some racist comment about me being a dinosaur?   
  


Hank: No, I just thought..... How about you, what's your name, and what do you do?   
  


Gaibon: I'm Gaibon, and I teach choreographed dance.   
  


Richter: Figures.   
  


Sonia: Hi, I'm Sonia, and I think it's really sexist of you making me go last.   
  


Hank: But you're not last.   
  


Sonia: You arguing with me, little man?   
  


Hank: No, but I haven't seen Dracula yet. (Lights go out. Doors fly opened. Dracula appears in a pillar of bats.)   
  


Simon: Like we haven't all seen that one about a million times.   
  


Trevor: Yeah Drac, time to get a new entrance.   
  


Hank: Well, now that everyone's here and we've all got aquatinted, we can begin. Dracula, why don't you tell us how this whole feud began.   
  


Dracula: The Belmont's were always bad kids. Hitting baseballs through my windows, swimming in the moat, egging and T.P.ing the castle. Then one day that girl right there walked inside and started beating the hell out of us. The others saw it, thought it looked like fun, and joined in. We've merely been defending ourselves.   
  


Simon: You're so full of it.   
  


Hank: Simon, you remember things a different way.   
  


Simon: Sure do. I was the first one to fight him. I can't prove anything, but I think he had siphoned the gas out of my car. That's when he put a curse on me, so I brought him back to life and kicked his ass again. I may or may not have fought him a few more times, but they never specified if all those other games were supposed to be remakes or not. After that, one hundred years earlier, my great great grandfather Trevor and Alucard kicked his ass too, because he was trying to take over the world. Soon after that, either my grandfather or my grandson, can't remember which, beat his ass too, because he kidnapped his son, or was that me? Anyways, years later, Richter and a whole bunch of other people beat his ass because he had pissed them off or something. Just about two years ago, Sonia, the first Belmont to challenge Dracula, beat his ass because he was good and she was evil. And that brings us up to today. Did I screw up the order on that, or was that Konami's fault?   
  


Death: I'm more confused than ever.   
  


Dracula: And I used to know that story so well.   
  


Minotaur: I think I understand. You all teamed up with Dracula to defeat Richard Simmons because he was evil.   
  


Gaibon: Hey, don't badmouth Richard Simmons.   
  


Slogra: What story were you listening to?   
  


Minotaur: Somebody was telling a story? When?   
  


Hank: Now Dracula, they seem to keep coming back to the part where you try to take over the world. Why is that?   
  


Dracula: I'm evil. What else am I supposed to do, hit the talk show circuit?   
  


Hank: Let me ask you this, suppose you did take over the world, then what?   
  


Dracula: Simple, I'd....uh......well......hmmmmmm............I never thought of it that way.......   
  


Hank: Slogra, you seem to have quite a bit of rage built up inside. Care to tell us about it?   
  


Slogra: Rage? What're you talking about? I have no reason to feel rage. Sure all of my family and friends died out a few million years ago, and I really don't have any friends now, and I've been really big into drugs and alcohol lately, oh man. (Starts crying)   
  


Gaibon: (Putting his arm around Slogra) It's okay. I'm here for ya, buddy.   
  


Slogra: Get your hands off me.   
  


Hank: I'll come back to you two. Death, I've always wondered why it is that you've allied yourself with Dracula.   
  


Death: You ever seen his treasure room?   
  


Hank: So it's all about money, is that it?   
  


Death: Damn right.   
  


Dracula: ...I mean, I guess I could take up a hobby or something. I've always wanted to take up golfing, but I never could get past that whole sunlight deal...   
  


Hank: Minotaur, how did you meet Dracula.   
  


Minotaur: Well Hank, it started years ago when my spaceship crash landed in Dracula's house. He didn't want anyone to know about me, so he hid me. We've had lots of fun since then, except when I try to eat the cat.   
  


Alucard: You idiot. That's the story from ALF.   
  


Minotaur: I like ALF.   
  


Hank: Well Alucard, let's go to you now. Why is it that you have decided to wage war on your own father?   
  


Alucard: Honestly, Hank, he was abusive. He'd come home late at night sometimes, more drunk than Homer Simpson, and start beating the crap out of me and my mother. He never encouraged me, and always told me that I was useless and would never amount to anything in life.   
  


Hank: Dracula, your response?   
  


Dracula: ...I've always wanted to build one of those ships in a bottle. Maybe I could do that. Or I could start a model train collection. Those are fun....   
  


Minotaur: Now I remember. I used to be a cop. The best cop in Detroit. Then I got really messed up on the job. So they rebuilt me as a robot, with all kinds of new powers.   
  


Gaibon: Now your thinking of Robocop. And what's that got to do with how you met Dracula?   
  


Minotaur: Nobody ever asked me how I met Dracula.   
  


Hank: Richter and Maria, you two once teamed up to attack Dracula, is that correct?   
  


Maria: Yes.   
  


Richter: No. I went to the castle to rescue my girlfriend, she's really into all that knight in shining armor stuff. Then I stumble upon her little sister. So she starts following me to Dracula. I'm in the middle of the fight against him; and just as I'm about to get the best of him, she runs in and tries to help.   
  


Maria: I thought he looked weak, so I was going to heal him.   
  


Richter: You distracted me long enough for Dracula to turn into that giant demon he always changes into.   
  


Maria: Sorry.   
  


Richter: Sorry?!? He almost kicked my ass, and all you can say is "sorry"?!?   
  


Maria: Okay, then I'm not sorry.   
  


Death: Sounds like you're fighting the wrong person, Belmont.   
  


Hank: So Sonia, why all this hostility towards men?   
  


Sonia: They oppress me. They try to get me down, because they're intimidated by my obvious superiority. For Pete's sake, I was the first one to battle Dracula. Why did it take so long for my game to come out? And after all that time, it still sucked. I didn't even get to use any of the cool subweapons. I got those stupid soul powers that ate up so many heats that it was impossible to do anything with them.   
  


Hank: But you got that cool burning ability.   
  


Sonia: Big deal. That lasted for all of fifteen seconds. Did I get to swing my whip in eight different directions, or change into other people and let them do the work? Nooooo. Then there's that dead beat Alucard, who tells me he loves me and puts himself into an endless sleep the minute he gets me pregnant. I still haven't seen one child support check from you, you sorry piece of crap. (Attacks Alucard)   
  


Alucard: Ahhhhhh, get her off!   
  


Gaibon: You go girl.   
  


Hank: We're running out of time, so I'm gonna speed things up a bit. Trevor you hate Dracula?   
  


Trevor: Yep.   
  


Hank: Gaibon, you love serving Dracula.   
  


Gaibon: It's more fun than shopping for new curtains.   
  


Hank: Yeah, that's something else I want to talk to you about. It looks like we're going to have to finish this in another session. You guys obviously have more problems than I thought you did.   
  


Slogra: What's that supposed to mean?   
  


Hank: I didn't mean to insult you. But you guys do have quite a few problems you need to work out, even amongst yourselves.   
  


Simon: Oh, so now were unprofessional? Or are we just immature?   
  


Hank: No no, that's not what I meant. Just look at Dracula. He's...   
  


Richter: Hey, leave him alone. Haven't you done enough to him for one night?   
  


Trevor: Yeah, what'd he ever do to you?   
  


Hank: But, I'm just saying that he has a problem. Many of you do.   
  


Sonia: I think **you're** the one with the problem.   
  


Simon: Hey, Dracula. (Whispers to Dracula)   
  


Dracula: Good idea.   
  


Hank: Let's all just take a deep breath, and calm down.   
  


Death: Here's a better idea. How about we just beat you to a bloody pulp. (Everyone attacks Hank.)   
  


Minutes Later...   
  


Trevor: That deep breath really worked. I was so calm while I was doing that.   
  


Slogra: Little guy put up quite a fight.   
  


Dracula: So, you guys wanna go with us to Ponderosa?   
  


Richter: Sure. (They all leave)   
  


Alucard: Hey, has anyone seen the Minotaur?   
  


Minotaur: This is the church, this is the steeple. Open the doors, and.... oh no! What happened to all the people?   
  


Hank: This was harder than I thought, but I got the job done in the end. Join me next time when I try to patch things up between Link and Ganon from the Legend of Zelda.   
  


Link: Pig.   
  


Ganon: Fairy boy. 


End file.
